


day by day

by sleepygrandma



Category: Snowpiercer (2013)
Genre: honestly idk, passing mention of gilliam/grey, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 14:05:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4022656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepygrandma/pseuds/sleepygrandma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You’re 17 and the world is frozen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	day by day

You’re 17 and the world is frozen.

You live here now- this train, that’s meant to circle the earth. Eternally, if what they’re saying is true. You don’t think you buy it though. No solution is permanent. This will only last so long, and then it will be more of the same, more scrambling and desperation.

Still, you’ll take this while it lasts.

***

You’re 21 and that should mean something but it really doesn’t.

You let yourself think for a few minutes about what life would be like if everything was normal. If the world hadn’t iced over, and you weren’t aboard this rickety metal cell.

You’d be out getting drunk. You’d probably be in college, trying to figure out the rest of your life. Discover yourself. Or maybe you’d have gotten a job right out of highschool, a mechanic or some other type of handyman. You’d always been good with fixing things.

But you’re not getting drunk. You’re eating a bland protein bar, and you can only just barely remember what alcohol tastes like. And you’re not in college, don’t have a job. Don’t have a future.

What you have is the memory of what humans taste like. And you have a living breathing embodiment of your guilt, who’s 4 years old and rambunctious as all hell and forces you to look your mistakes right in the face every single day.

You don’t think you can fix this.

And you wish you could get rid of him, just as much as you wish you could take it all back and wish you had some real goddamn food and-

A tiny hand is pulling on yours, and it doesn’t matter anyway. This is what you have. You have this human shadow, and you have a bunk that isn’t even just yours most nights anymore- you have responsibility.

You wonder if you have hope anymore.

***

You’re 27 and you’ve been on this damn train for 10 years.

Not that it matters to anyone here in the back- another day is another week is another year- but apparently there’s a big celebration up front. Gaurds keeping talking about it and it’s perked Edgar’s interest.

He starts asking about parties- did you go to them? What were they like? Did you have birthday parties? What does cake taste like?

Soon he’s asking about school, where you grew up, did you ever have a dog, what’s a beach like? Suddenly the floodgate is open as this kid has to know every last detail about life before, is trying to soak in all your knowledge and experience like a sponge, and you hate it but you answer every last one of his questions.

When the lights go out you think you’ll get a reprieve from the endless questions; wish Edgar goodnight and slip into your bunk.

But then a messy-haired head is poking up by your bunk and a surprisingly quiet voice is asking “what was your mum like Curtis?”

You feel sick and your whole body locks up.

This is something you can’t give him. An answer he can’t have.

You turn your back quickly. “Go to sleep Edgar.” He obeys with little more than a grumble and you hate yourself all the more for it.

***

You’re 31 and you miss cigarettes.

Which is funny, because you really hadn’t been that into them before. Had only just started smoking them before everything turned to shit, more recreationally than habitually.

But you’re restless, you itch beneath your skin and feel ready to burst at all times these days. And you imagine the drag of nicotine in your lungs, how it might calm you for just a few seconds.

But cigarettes are gone.

And Edgar grows closer to you every day, is your permanent shadow at this point. It hurts, but is becoming its own comfort in a way.

You’re not sure which is worse.

***

You’re 34 and you want revolution.

Gilliam plants ideas of freedom and better days in your head, and you make plans with him. He’s the greatest man you’ve ever known, and if he says the time is coming then you’re going to prepare, and you’re going to follow.

Edgar is eager to help, and much as you try to keep him at arm’s length with all of this. You’ve already ruined his whole life, you can’t drag him into this, can’t make him fight. You’ll fight for him.

But he’s smart, and he’s fast and spry (all things he points out to you) and relentless. And you know you can’t stop him, so you prepare him.

He’s squeezed himself into your bunk one night, sitting with his back against the wall whispering about the future, what it could be like when you’re free.

You’re going along with the fantasies, indulging Edgar in this, and suddenly there’s warmth on you and on your lips and Edgar is kissing you.

Fuck.

You should have seen this coming- everything on this train is so confusing and fucked up you should have know this would happen eventually.

Should have noticed the ever closing gap between the two of you, picked up on this messed up hero worship thing Edgar has going, been suspicious when he asked you one too many questions about Gilliam and Grey.

You hate that you didn’t, and that maybe you did but didn’t do something sooner, and mostly you hate how you don’t hate it all that much.

It takes you just a second too long to pull away, and Edgar picks up on this and tries to go back in. This time you put a hand to his chest stopping his efforts. Before you can even manage a response, Edgar is tensing up, murmuring g’night and slipping out of your bunk.

Your chest aches. Sleep doesn’t come for hours. You want Edgar back but you also want him gone.

You’re sure tomorrow Edgar will pretend nothing happened, that nothing’s different and everything is the same. He never did like admitting he messed up, prideful and hot-headed as he is. He’ll go back to following you around and looking at you like you have all the answers, but will ignore this little misstep; you think you should be thankful for this, but you’re not sure if you are.

You want to pull him close, hold him, but you also want to hit him and push him away. You want to make yourself stop wanting him at all in any way, because he’s half your age and you’re practically his dad (brother? uncle? friend?) and you tried to eat him once upon a time and he should not want you and god-

Mostly you don’t know what you want. Mostly you just want your life to be normal again.

But what the fuck does that even mean?

***

You’re 35 and it’s time for revolution.

**Author's Note:**

> I watched snowpiercer again and was sad so I fic-ed… idk what this is. Sorry for any continuity mistakes or messed up ages, I’m bad with figuring out timelines and math…. idk man this doesn’t really make sense but I’m just very upset about this movie sorry that this sucks????


End file.
